i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
