it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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