Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
