I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
