im drinking this country out of the recession.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
