drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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