If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
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Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
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I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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