how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
