last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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