Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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