dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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