I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
