Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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