Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
