his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
