She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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