Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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