I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
we should paint friendship bongs
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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