how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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