there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
