Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
