70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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