btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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