Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
