and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
