Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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