i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
