Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
