her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
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We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
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I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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