I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
