Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
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HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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