oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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