mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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