So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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