i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
