How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dignity is for republicans.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
