My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
