I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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