I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Even my vagina gasped.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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