Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
