do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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