There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
