She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
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My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
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He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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