It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
