maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
you inspire me to be a worse person
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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