remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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