Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
