Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
