I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Boobs speak an international language.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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