We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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