I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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