is your mom at the bar?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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