so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
