i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
