Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
